What Is The Greatest Teacher In Any Language? Pain

          Life is pain, as Carey Elwes so eloquently puts it from The Princess Bride. Everyone feels it, physically and emotionally, through their entire life. Some are overwhelmed by it, some try to ignore it, some try to numb or suppress it, but it's always there. It let's us know we are still alive, and it makes us who we are, so why do try so hard to kill it?





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          People deal with pain in different ways. Why shouldn't they? People experience pain differently. People have different sources for their pain. People feel different levels of pain, what feels like a scratch to some may feel like the deepest cut another person has ever had. That's an extreme example, but it makes my point. Recently, Robin Williams, the beloved actor and comedian, died in what appears to be a depression fueled suicide. Some people can't understand how someone with so many fans that has experienced so much success can be depressed. Some respond with anger, declaring that suicide is "the easy way out" and he was simply a coward that gave in. But let's face it, none of these people know what was in his head. No body can tell you exactly how he felt, just before carrying out his final act. The only thing we can know for sure is that he decided that was the only way to end his pain.

Numbing


          What I don't understand is, why does anyone want to end their pain? Aspirin, Xanax, Alcohol, Marijuana, and the many other drugs both legal and illegal that people use to numb or kill their pain are taken every day. Now if you have trouble completing simple tasks because you're in an immense amount of physical pain that's one thing, but emotional pain? Deal with it. Live with it. Use it. Relish in it. My pain is motivation. Sure, I have pain. I've contemplated suicide. I've spent nights crying myself to sleep, thinking I was utterly alone, convinced that nobody would miss me if I was gone, and that quite possibly their lives would improve if I wasn't here dragging them down. Why didn't I do it? I don't recommend my method on anyone else... because I decided to use my pain to fuel my hate and go on living in spite of everyone else. That is why I need my pain. I don't want it numbed. "I don't want my pain taken away. I need my pain!"

Not a role model


          I'm sure there are healthier ways to use your pain as motivation, but that's what worked for me. That's the reason I made it through high school. That's the reason I went to college. Eventually I was fortunate enough to find the love of my life, and the joy she brought me pushed my pain and my hate to the back... but never completely suppressed it. Now I finally have a new motivation, a healthy motivation, my kids. But even with all that, there are days that my pain comes barreling to the forefront without rhyme or reason. Those old feelings of complete failure, uselessness, and loneliness are ones that I'm sure will be with me the rest of my life. Could I talk to somebody about this? A friend? A loved one? A therapist? Sure. I could also pop a bunch of pills, and go through life feeling artificially happy at best, or completely numb to everything at worst. No, my choice is to treat it the same as I do my physical pain... I'll live with it. I'll use it. Sometimes as an excuse, sometimes as motivation, but it will always be there. Reminding me of the choices I made. I'll push on. I'm not going anywhere. And I'll do it myself. I'll use it to help steer my children onto a better life. I'll use it to push myself to a better life. I may stumble, and I may give in at times, but I will not lose this war. I have pain. Always have, always will. You treat yours as you see fit, but this is what works for me.

1 comments:

Pain, it demands to be felt- TFIOS

I have been into depression in the past year and it is terrible. But I like to think myself as a warrior who could fight any obstacle that comes in my way. I look high and dream higher :)

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