my collection and proceed to hold-up inside the house, condo, or whatever other air conditioned room we rent for the week. Why? Because my vacation consists of sitting on the couch and watching said movies while avoiding the beach itself as much as possible.
The second reason I hate the beach is the heat. I am built for cold weather survival. In the intense heat my systems begin failing and shutting down. I lose my appetite (I know, I know… I could stand to skip a few meals anyway right?), I start sweating profusely, and I turn slow(er) and sluggish. I often think there is a chance I am a cold-blooded animal. The fact that it took almost an hour to drain a pint of blood last time I donated contributed to that theory. Either that or I just have so much fat and cholesterol that my blood is the consistency of homemade gravy. Regardless, me and high temperatures do not get along well. I much prefer the dead of winter, several feet of snow, and a negative sign in front of the temperature.
The final, and most important reason I hate the beach is my number one pet peeve on this world… people. Family, a few chosen friends, and most coworkers aside, people annoy me to the point that I believe it should be legal to cleanse the world of their existence to preserve survival of the fittest. To quote yet another movie (see, I told you I was a video addict), Tommy Lee Jones stated in Men In Black “A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky, dangerous animals and you know it.” To expand on that, people are also untrustworthy, greedy, uncaring, dirty, immoral, and unethical. They are thieves, drug addicts, rapists, and con artists that are smart enough to dupe you into letting them take what is yours but so dumb that any attempt to hold a meaningful conversation will result in your being driven insane from stupidity.
So until I can convince the fam that Juneau Alaska is better than Myrtle Beach South Carolina, I’ll continue to spend my vacation relaxing indoors while they all somehow squeeze a good time out of the beach. I actually delve into my idea of great vacations in another post, which you can read here.